Katie B.

While you were sleeping...

2012-01-12T12:14:00.000-08:00

So it has been awhile since I’ve updated my blog! August 2011 until, like, now has been a super crazy time for me! Things both good and bad have rocked my world during that time.

August:

I got to meet w/Mike Davis of JR Motorsports which was pretty awesome except for the migraine headache I was fighting the entire time we chatted. Still hoping he’ll find use for my talents sometime in the future for JR Nation.

High School Reunion planning started to go into overdrive with the big weekend just a month away.

September:

Tigger goes missing Labor Day Weekend. Despite searching, hanging up signs everywhere and spreading the word online, we still have found no trace of him. Close to 5 months later, I still miss him and it made for a hard holiday season without my favorite boy around to attack the Christmas tree like he normally does.

The High School Reunion weekend ends up being a smashing success between my event planning and decorating, my two fellow organizers’ budgeting and contact prowess, and the police being called in at 1:30 am for our big party. Nearing 30 and we still got it! A good time was had by all and we quickly agree the 20th will be as secret cruise for the people who didn’t drive us insane and walk out on their tab causing said police being called in to handle an unruly guest refusing to pay her alcohol bill.

October:

Reidsville Street Festival = Sun Burn

I experienced the biggest wedding of the year. No, not Wills and Kate, but Katie and Beau. Two of my favorite people getting married to each other was a huge blessing to experience. Not to mention the out of town weekend trip to rural Georgia. I played, I primped, I flirted, and I ate a LOT! Like, seriously, I could have had a food baby by the time that weekend was over! Foodie McFooderson aside, I danced the night away with a bunch of cute guys and made some great new friends!

Halloween was fun with a low-key get together with some friends and then handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. I was dressed as Cleopatra and my dog Ginger went as a SQUIRREL!

November:

I put my Willow House business back into play and had a great month of sales and got some great new merchandise to play with and show.

A realty TV show looks into the possibility of filming a new show in Reidsville. After a semi-autobiographical application that took a whole day to complete, a 45 minute phone interview with the casting director, and then an on-camera interview being filmed for Oprah to view, Reidsville is kicked out of the running.

Took a pre-Thanksgiving jaunt to newlyweds Katie and Beau’s house in Charlotte and got to eat at my fav place in Charlotte, The Flying Biscuit! Not so hot, my Uncle having a heart attack while I’m there. He ends up being fine and we’re all thankful.

Thankfulness spilled over into Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s house.

Christmas lights go up and my Dad is really impressed by my lighting skills.

December:

Tarts! My tree art orders are up and I’m hand painting glass ornaments. I send some off to JR Motorsports co-owner Kelley Earnhardt in hope to sweeten her up for any future JR Motorsports dealings and hear nothing back. Afraid between my recent Dale Jr column and ornament presenting, I’m now on the Earnhardt family stalker list. Or maybe she thought the ornaments were ugly. Don’t know which option would be worst. Fear number 1 takes over when I notice Mike Davis is no longer following me on Twitter.

Had something stirring in the potential boyfriend pot, he screws it up. Life goes on and I’m secretly glad there’s nothing tying me down.

Spend a great Christmas Eve at my Grandma Reidsville’s! And get to have a nice talk with my cousin Hanna who is now 12. I may no longer be able to pick her up and carry her around, but I’m happy we can talk books and Twilight and other grown-up things!

Nothing I did, but former RHS classmate Jerome Simpson does a back flip to complete a touchdown for the Cincinnati Bengals on Christmas Eve. Way more impressive than the other guy I went to school with robbing a bank that same week.

Got fussed at by somebody’s grandmother in the dressing room at Belk’s on December 26th and I remember why I shop online.

New Year’s Eve is spent at my sister’s house. Night would have started sooner if I didn’t get lost in Danville for a good half-hour. Somehow found myself on a cobbled street.

January

Resolve to make this year about serving Christ by serving others. First step, sponsored a girl from Senegal!
Receive my friend Molly’s wedding invite. It makes me cry, but in a good way!

Working hard on building Willow House business and my writing/comedy and now have more parties booked and have two great interviews lined up for new articles.

Can this be the year I get it together? Will my dream of being able to solely support myself on my willow House income and writing come true? 29 is just few months away and I want bouncy houses to ring it in.

More to come!

-Katie

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Mike Davis- This One’s for You!

2011-06-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this and your name is Mike Davis and you work for JR Motorsports (the one in Mooresville, not the one in Iowa), part one of my plan has worked! Yesssssssssssss!

Part two of my plan is for you to e-mail me at katiebarber01@gmail.com after you read the rest of this post:

Allow me to introduce myself- I’m Katie Barber and I want to work for JR Motorsports creating online content. I am a talented writer and performer w/great social networking skills and a flair for funny video shorts.

For my professional background you can check me out here.

And these are samples of my past work-

Interviewing some of the cast of True Blood

A short I wrote and produced for a MacGruber contest

A few of my character pieces I wrote during my time as a writer for the parody radio show, DSI Witness News-

“A Holiday PSA You Can Count On” feat. Governor Bev Perdue & Elmo

“The Ladies Tea Party of Carrboro”

“One Hot Nuclear Shower”

“Carrboro Winter Olympics”

Oh, and in my spare time I'm a recently destroyed confederate monument that is running around free in its hometown of Reidsville for the first time in a hundred years. My exploits are on Facebook!

And if that's not enough to convince you to hire me, here are some more pros for you. And to be fair, I’ve included the cons!

Pros

I like to bake for my co-workers if they are on my good list

I was once told by a stranger that I was the best smelling person they have ever sat beside

I can scream very loud and slap someone if they are attacking me or my friends

I won my classroom's geography bee in 5th grade

Cons

I have super glued my fingers together

I like to jam to old school Britney Spears from time to time

I have eaten lavender paint (my defense- I was 2 and it was super pretty!)

I will drop everything I’m working on to hold a baby and/or animal

Remember, part two is up to you! E-mail me at katiebarber01@gmail.com
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The Abuse of Females Around the World & International Women’s Day

2011-03-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

This is a post I wrote on facebook in 2009, but the message is still as important as ever-

I’m very grateful that I live in a country where women have more rights than just about anywhere else in the world, and while things are not perfect here, I wanted to share some of the inhuman acts that females of all ages still face in other countries and cultures:

In Papua New Guinea women accused of sorcery are being burned alive and young girls and women are being raped by the law enforcement that should be protecting them- http://www.hrw.org/en/news/2009/01/27/where-violence-against-women-rampant

In Saudi Arabia an 8-year-old girl is married off to a 47-year-old-man to pay off her father’s gambling debts with the government’s approval- http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/02/10/8-year-old-married-off-to-47-year-old-man/

Sex-Selective Abortion and infanticide in India and China has become prevalent and has left a noticeable gap in the female population-
http://www.indianchild.com/abortion_infanticide_foeticide_india.htm
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,281722,00.html

Girls as young as 5 in the African country of Mauritania are being force-fed to achieve a womanly figure faster so they can be married off at younger ages-
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/mar/01/mauritania-force-feeding-marriage

Get Involved:
http://www.unifem.org/
http://www.hrw.org/
http://www.avoncompany.com/women/

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Seriously, this is how my mind is working today

2011-03-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

I’ve got to finish my True Blood article for RCENO. You know the Carolina Theatre would actually be very pretty for a wedding if the couple were theater buffs. I always wanted to get married at Penn House in Reidsville. I still need to register a table for the Reidsville Fall Festival. If I ever do make it as an actor/writer I would really miss things like that if I had to move to Los Angeles or New York. I better make sure I really hit it and make a lot of money so I can travel back and forth a lot. I’d take my parents and sister to the Academy Awards if I was invited. I love clothes. Why did I get myself in credit card debt in my early 20’s? Wish I was finished paying it off. Man I really want to break dance right now. Does it turn guys off when I do goofy stuff? It sure was fun making fart noises to make Dixie and Penny laugh while we trying to go to sleep at the hotel. I want to been seen as sexy and beautiful sometimes. I wish I was performing more comedy. I really need to finish that Screenplay. Sometimes I think it’s brilliant and other times the dialogue doesn’t seem to flow. Flow, yo, what do you wanna know? If I could sing I would try out for Gypsy. Why does the YMCA have a $60 joining charge? I miss summertime swimming already. The sun’s teasing me because the outdoor pool is now closed. I should move to some place it stays warmer longer and build a pool. I don’t want a lot but it would be super awesome to have a huge bathtub and in-house screening room like my neighbor built in his basement. Ugh I’m sleepy. Where did this key come from? I wish I had a magic wand to do my cleaning and my laundry. I would so run around Universal Studio’s “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter” in wizard robes, swishing my wand I bought form Ollivander’s. If I say what I’m thinking now, it’ll be a spoiler alert to Harry Potters movie fans who haven’t read the last book. I hope Butterbeer tastes like butterscotch. I want a flying broom. I wish I could fly. I hate dreams where I’m flying and it’s just something I do, and then I wake up and realize I can’t. Why did I say “maybe” when Dale Jr. proposed to me in a dream? I like dreams where I’m kissing Robert Pattinson. Thinking Taylor Lautner is hot makes me feel like a creepy dude crushing on an Olsen twin. Didn’t I just turn 18? I thought I would be married with kids by now. Bridget Jones. My gosh I have issues….

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Babyitis

2010-05-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don’t already know it, I’m crazy about BABIES! Fat babies, skinny babies, ugly babies, cute babies, sweet babies, fussy babies (well maybe not fussy babies or poopie babies so much), but I think you get the picture. The fact of the matter is I gotta a fever, and not for more cowbell, but babies. I call it “Babyitis” others call it “Katie’s Gone Crazy…Again”.

For a long time my baby needs were being met by having a sudden influx of new cousins starting when I was 15 and ending when I was 21. The last one born is my cousin Owen and he’s about to turn 6. I rode the babying train as long as I could, but I don’t think any of them would appreciate me burping them, especially Hannah who’s about to enter middle school. I freak out when I think how old she’s gotten- Hannah has had my heart since the first time I held her in the hospital all red face with some of that wax-like vernix still in her pores. So many little moments that I remember- getting a baked-bean smeared kiss on the cheek when she was 4, taking her to meet Joe from Blue’s Clues, waking up at 2am when she spent the night with me to get her water because she was thirsty, her second Halloween dressed a kitty-cat and giving us a little “Meow”, the way her face would light up when she saw a cute guy (she gets that from me!). But that relationship has changed now, she’s still sweet as can be, but I respect her enough to treat her as an eleven year-old, not the little girl she was when she was five.

She's getting so big!

Now I have to make do with friends’ babies. Unfortunately many of my friends are like me and have waited to get married and have kids. So right now I mainly have Becky and Zak’s son, Kian. They’re pretty use to me bypassing them to see Ki whenever we hang out now. And I think they only slightly worry that I’m going to kidnap him, but if I do, I promise to return him after I take him to the park, buy him a puppy, and get him some ice cream. My slight baby obsession is okay with people that know me, but not so much with people I don’t know. I’ve learned it’s not okay to walk up to strangers and ask to hold their babies or to try to set-up play dates when I have no children of my own. At work I get so excited when someone brings in a baby that Anna told me she’s afraid one day I will snap and run off with one of them to raise it as my own.

So where does that leave me now? A little confused and frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I was meant to be pregnant right now, that I got off track and my life was thrown off the course it should have taken. Or maybe I’m looking for an excuse for eating an entire can of cheddar Pringles in 3 days. I know I want babies, but I don’t want that pressure to affect my love life. I remember how I freaked I was when a first date brought up children. Not cool. I want to marry the right guy, but not just anybody because it’s the quickest route to mommy-hood. But as I get closer to my 30’s, I know I don’t have forever to wait. So what can I do? Right now I’m keeping my faith that God’s ultimate plan includes me being a mother, but I’m also a firm believer that you can’t expect things to just work without any effort. There are certain things I can’t control, but I can make sure the decisions I make now leave me prepared if I am blessed enough to marry the right guy and have children. Meanwhile I will make do with my cats!

Oh crap, I’m the freaking cat lady…

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Democrats Anonymous

2010-03-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

Note: I originally wrote this in March of 2008 before President Obama was nominated for office. But with the growing acts of aggression against healthcare reform and the Democratic Party, I decided to post this to my blog. If you don’t feel like reading the whole thing, the one thing I would like you to at least see is the fifth paragraph where I breakdown living on minimum wage.

-“My name is Katie, and I am a Democrat.”

-“Hi Katie!”

Democrats Anonymous it’s what my political beliefs feel like sometimes. Living in the Bible Belt and a Red State, I’m something of a minority. Most people look at Democrats and have a set judgment on what we are that we must be heathens for wanting a separation of Church and State and not condemning homosexuality or not outlawing abortion. They think we want to steal from the rich to give to people who don’t bother to work. It’s an image that’s misconstrued and I’m a little tired of it.

Why am I a Democrat? To be honest I’d rather be considered independent because in the end I vote for the best choice, not what party one belongs too. I decided to become a registered Democrat though because I want a voice when it comes to nominating a delegate and to vote in the primaries you must be party affiliated. In the end, I went with Democrat over Republican because more of their values match my beliefs. There is an underlying compassion and respect for humanity that drives me and that’s where my thinking comes from.

The separation of Church and State protects each one of our personal beliefs. Many of the founding fathers came to the country to escape religious persecution and that’s why that law is in place. It keeps me as a Christian from being forced to pray to a god I don’t believe in or be subjected to corrupted beliefs of a religion that has lost its path. Do I agree with everyone’s interpretation of what the separation entails? No I do not. I agree that people should be allowed to pray in schools or government buildings, but by choice and not forced or lead as a group by those who are in charge. Everyone has different interpretations when it comes to practicing the same faith and I do not want someone to lead my future children in a direction that differs from my family’s values. To deny a person the individual right to pray is wrong though. Faith is something that has a deep and very personal value to most people and it drives a lot of our decision-making. I talk to God a lot, and it’s a big part of my life. No one has the right to tell me not to just because I’m in a public place. If I pulled out a bullhorn and shouted it forcing everyone to hear, then yes, it would be disrespectful to people of other beliefs because I wouldn’t want them to do that to me.

One of the biggest moral issues being addressed today is homosexuality and another that continues to be brought up is abortion. I personally do not condemn homosexuality. I’ve prayed about it and it’s never been laid upon my heart to feel otherwise. The bible tells us not to judge lest we be judged, so I stick to that. I’ve done a lot of research on the subject and I also have friends who are gay. I truly believe that you don’t choose to be gay and you can’t make someone gay just by hanging out with or being raised by people who are. Homosexuality is found in nature with animals, it’s not a disease but a part of someone’s life. I know what the bible says and I trust in God and his word, but I don’t trust humans from pushing their own political agenda. As far as abortion goes I personally do not believe its right. It’s not something I could do and if someone came to me for my advice I would use my moral compass to encourage and motivate them to seek a different choice. Saying this, I think it’s a pointless battle to try to change it back to being illegal. Even when it was illegal people would still go through with the procedure and at least now it’s being regulated and not being done in some back alley by someone who’s not a medical professional. There are also shades of gray when it comes to circumstance. Should someone be forced to have a child if the pregnancy will most likely kill them or if they’ve been raped?

Being a Democrat does not mean you want to pay people who are unwilling to work. What I want is everyone to have a fair chance to make it. It’s ridiculous that someone who works full-time still can’t support themselves. Don’t believe me? Let me break it down for you. Minimum wage is $5.85 and if you work a full-time job your yearly net income would be $12,168.

I did some math and this is how it went:
$12,168
- 4,260 Yearly housing ($355 per month apartment rental w/utilities)
- 1,800 Car Payment ($150 a month car payment for reliable transportation)
- 1,300 Gas ($25 a week)
- 840 Car Insurance ($70 a month)
- 1,428 (Health Insurance + Dental for a year w/no maternity & $5,000 deductible)
= $2,540
- 1,415 Groceries ($27 a week for 1 gallon of milk, 1 loaf of bread, a box of cereal, 1 container of luncheon meat, bag of chips, bag of carrots, bag of apples, bag of bananas, head of lettuce and a bag of potatoes)
- 187 Clothing (Wal-Mart pricing for 1 dress, 2 shirts, 2 pair of jeans, 12 pack of underwear, 2 bras, 1 pair of sandals, 1 pair of athletic shoes, 1 pair of dress shoes, 2 pairs of pants, 1 coat, 2 sweaters and a 24 pack of socks)
= $938

You are left with $938 for the whole year for any additional expenses or incidentals which can be just basic stuff like doctor visits, medicine or basic car maintenance. As I also mentioned before this was net income so this is not including taxes or social security being taken out.

I’m not wanting a communist society where everyone has the same income, but just a country where those who do work hard are able to afford to live a decent lifestyle. I also won’t deny there are those who abuse the welfare system and it’s unfortunate, but it shouldn’t keep us from still providing support to those who it was originally intended for- People who have fallen under difficult circumstances and need a crutch to help them regain their ground or those who are truly unable to work that cannot make it without assistance. I’m not asking for a free pass, I’m just asking for some hope for my fellow countrymen.

So I guess that sums up part of how I feel on certain issues. I may be young and too much of a dreamer sometimes, but I’d rather live everyday with some hope than being cynical. In the end, I just want to help people and if that makes me an enabler to the few who abuse the system in order to help than many who truly need it, I can live with that. And if it means losing your respect or esteem for following my heart and conscious, than you’re not the person I hoped you were.

I’m Katie and I’m a Democrat, and proud of it!

Who has two thumbs and campaigned for “That One”?

Psst...

2010-02-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Guys, I’m going to let you in on a little secret- most women have their weddings planned before they even meet Mr. Right! We played wedding as little girls and in our minds it’s the closest to being a fairytale princess as we’re probably going to get. And for a girl who loves everything princess, I’m going to make the most of it!

Prince William? Yes, Please! (Then I'll be a REAL princess!!!)

So when you spend that many years fantasizing about your wedding, you start to decide and perfect the happiest day of your life. I even read an article about single women who try on wedding dresses to de-stress after a hard day (Just to be clear- I have NEVER done that!!!).

A fav of mine- Muriel’s Wedding revolved around a single girl obsessed with weddings!

Does it mean I want to get married today or to the next guy I meet? No, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t thought things out and when Mr. Right does come along, this is what he can expect:

The Engagement

I want the Tiffany’s little blue box with their Legacy engagement ring in it (graduated side stones optional). And when you propose, it should be a big surprise that is original and thoughtful where everyone sees it (side note- do NOT put the ring in food, I will probably eat it). Also, thoughtfully send me for a manicure prior so my hands are camera ready!

Wouldn’t you feel less stressed imagining this on your finger?

The Venue

It will be an outdoor wedding in October when the temperatures are in the low 70s and Carolina blue skies are absolutely gorgeous. IT WILL NOT RAIN! The ceremony will take place in the late afternoon at Penn House which has wonderful grounds.

This venue is non-negotiable!

We will marry under the Penn House gazebo decorated with flowers. When it comes to flowers, you get a say, since I haven't pinned down my colors yet! Lucky you! The reception will also take place outdoors in the evening, so we can turn on the twinkle lights and dance like some of my favorite movie moments.

Fairy-lighted Gazebos = Romance

Clothing & Accessories

Tuxes for you and your groomsmen will be your choice, but they have to be in black. If I see white tuxes, I will do a u-turn as I come down the aisle. As for me, this will be my ensemble-

Unfortunately this dress is no longer being made, so I will need couture in a similar style!

Essox Tiara currently owned by Cartier that has only been worn in royal weddings.

A vintage Harry Winston Wreath

I'm not a bridezella, so it's okay for the tiara and wreath to be loaned to me as my something borrowed.

Your Responsibilities & The Honeymoon

I know I’ve already planned the bulk of the wedding, but you’ll still get to help make some big decisions like the cake and food as long as I approve.

We will not do this! This is tacky!!!

More importantly, you get to plan the honeymoon. We’ll go anywhere you want to go!!!

As long as it's somewhere like this!

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2010-01-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

The Problem with New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve 2010 has passed and once again I’m left with the familiar let down left by promises of magic and intrigue that surround the myth of New Year’s Eve. A combination of movies, TV shows, books and an over-active imagination has led me to believe that your entire world can change for the better with the dropping of an over-lit ball that looks as if it was recycled from my Christmas tree from just the week before. I should know better than to trust the ideals of a holiday rung in by a baby in a top hat, but year after year I fall for his cute, cubby checks and once again I think this may be the night that I’ll remember for the rest of my life.

My fantasy plays out something like this: “10, 9, 8…” I countdown with my friends & the crowd “…7,6,5…” I look at my friends and give them a smile, while my eyes scan the audience, “…4,3,2…”, I accept that once again I’m solo, “…ONE!!!” Confetti and glitter rain down and he grabs me from behind and pulls me into a deep, passionate kiss that erases the world around us. It’s THE kiss. The one I’ve been waiting for since as long as I remember. It’s a mixture of The Princess Bride, Never Been Kissed and Ever After. Silver screen moments that have kept my eyes glued to the movie and sent my heart soaring. Just like the story’s heroine, I can imagine the world around us fading and for that instant, everything is right and nothing bad can ever happen.

So how can New Year’s Eve NOT live up to my expectations with a fantasy like THAT? I blame it on a lesson I learned from season one of The O.C.- How you spend that first moment of the new year is going to determine the rest of your year. Ever since then I felt like it has to be special and what can be more special than a kiss that sweeps you off your feet? Stupid Marissa… I’ve tried different approaches. One year I went to an actual club, but all I ended up with was a drunken dude doing a drive-by kiss on my check. Granted, he did come out of nowhere like my fantasy, but it was sloppy and I felt like I needed a sani-wipe for my cheek. The best years are the ones spent with friends doing something laid back, but even then you have to deal with watching other couples. This year was spent at the comedy theater I work at. A friend asked me to take a picture of her and her boyfriend. Great, happy couple reminding me of something I don’t have. Click. Now take your camera and scram.

After three paragraphs of wanting an earth-shattering kiss, what if I did get THE kiss? In some ways I finally feel like I’m taking control of my life and I could actually have a career for myself that goes places. But it’s going to take a LOT of work and how can I concentrate with THE ONE standing right there in front of me and me wanting to have his babies because I’ve had baby-itis for the past year and a half now? I’m such a girl, I want something, yet I don’t at the same time. So thank you New Year’s, it’s all your fault that I feel all crazy emotional over one night out of the entire year. And THAT'S the problem with New Year’s Eve!

Stupid Ball...

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The Story of the First Administrative Professionals Day

2009-12-15T13:26:00.000-08:00

The Story of the First Administrative Professionals Day
(Based on a totally not true story)

Gather around boys and girls, because today I tell you the story of the first Administrative Professional's Day, formally known as Administrative Assistant's Day, and prior to that, known as Secretary's Day, and before 9 to 5, as the Hot Chick at the Front Desk's Day. The very first Hot Chick at the Front Desk's Day was celebrated in 1974. Its a day that lives in infamy, but is not well known outside of the Administrative Professionals' circle.

At 4:30 on that first Hot Chick at the Front Desk's Day, 19-year-old Sue Ann Edgeworth was innocently typing at her desk. So far, she had received nothing thanking her for the job she had done. Not even a word of thanks from her boss. There were only 30 minutes left till the workday was over, and she had given up hope that she would receive a card, flowers, candy, etc.

As she typed away, her middle-age boss (who was balding and sporting the exciting fashion trend of the 70s known as “chest hair showing because I left the top button undone”) approached her desk. Her boss, Mr. Settle, looked her in the eye while wearing a boyish grin on his face. "Today's your day girl, and do I have a treat for you," he said. "I was wondering if you were going get me anything Mr. Settle," Sue Ann replied. "Why young lady, I couldn't forget you on this very special day! I have something here that you'll never forget. I think this will be beyond any of your wildest dreams and will up your status around here," he continued. "Why," she said, "Do you mean that I've been promoted to that management training program that I applied for?"

Mr. Settle looked at her in surprise. "Why silly girl, we never promote women to management around here! You wouldn't know what to do or say around all those men. They talk about sports, news, and politics. Your pretty little head wouldn't be able to keep up. We need you here, out front, as our perky cheerleader! Besides, the men would start saying mean things about if you started taking their positions. Nobody likes a woman running things outside of the kitchen. You wouldn't want them to talk bad about you. Right? It might make you cry. I have something here that is much more appropriate for a girl of your age and beauty!"

Finished with his speech, he handed her a small jewelry box. Sue Ann grabbed it and opened it up. It was key to a hotel room! She looked up and said, "And what is this?" Mr. Settle smiled and said, "I knew you would be pleased! I got us the nicest suite at The Four Seasons. Only the best for my favorite gal!" "Don't you have a wife and kids?" she asked. "Yes, but a guy has to have a little fun on the side! You should be so happy. You'll get to be the favorite out of all the girls here. I'll buy you gifts and take you on my business trips! Its more than any girl would want. Come on, let's get out of here!" he said with confidence. "Lets," she replied.

They walked towards the elevator; nobody else seemed to pay attention to them leaving. Sue Ann turned to Mr. Settle and said, "Why, did you know that I like to sing and that I'm very talented?" "Why, no." he said as he casually rested his hand on her lower back. (Well, more like her upper butt.) "You'll have to show off that pretty voice when we get to the suite then." "Who said it had anything to do with my voice," she said as she turned to him, "It's an acronym for Solar plexus, Instep, Nose and Groin." He gave her a confused look and just said, "Huh?" She then went all Miss Congeniality on him. (Well technically Miss Congeniality went Sue Ann on the very luscious Benjamin Bratt in the movie from 2000. Bet you didn't know that, huh!) She then did a pile driver on him.

As she stood back up, all the women of the office gave her a standing ovation. It was said that you could hear their clapping and cheering a mile away. The men quickly ran into their offices and locked their doors. The women marched out of the office together, hoisting Sue Ann upon their shoulders. They continued down the street, bringing traffic to a stand still. Women poured out of the neighboring businesses and joined the parade. They marched till they reached The Four Seasons and arrived at the suite that Mr. Settle's credit card was paying for. They then proceeded to order room service for 50 people and clear out the mini bar 3 different times. They thanked Mr. Settle in song for his generous "gift." They left the next morning, clearing the maid's cart as they left. That went on Mr. Settle's card as well!

The story of Sue Ann is not well known. The Man worked hard at covering it up throughout the years. Now it's a mere legend passed down from woman to woman, to remind us of the significance of Administrative Professional's Day. I remember my Grandmother telling me the story for the very first time. I was 3 years old as I sat on her knee and listened in awe. She told me that Sue Ann's story didn't end there. The next day, as she arrived at the office, she was told she would be taking over Mr. Settle's position and from that day on, Hot Chick at the Front Desk's Day would be known as Secretary's Day. Sue Ann found out that a big time lawyer threatened to sue the company on her behalf for sexual harassment after the lawyers very own receptionist told her what had happened.

Epilogue

Today you can find Sue Ann at her mansion on the Isle of St. Thomas. She retired from the company that she ran successfully for 30 years. The last 10 were spent as CEO. Sue Ann has been happily married to a brain surgeon for the past 25 years. Their marriage has resulted in 3 beautiful children and they have just welcomed their first grandchild. Sue Ann introduced office daycare after she had her first child. Companies around the world followed in her footsteps, realizing the benefits of it. Thanks to people like Sue Ann and movies like 9 to 5, the corporate world has become a better place for women. When you're on the job, take a minute out of your workday from time to time, and honor this fine woman.

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Unused Headlines

2009-12-11T13:59:00.000-08:00

I’m a writer/performer for a news parody show called DSI Witness News. I work with an awesome group of comedians and you can listen online and subscribe to our podcast at http://www.news.dsicomedy.com

Here are some of my unused headlines that I liked and we didn’t have time for-

More than 100 veterans from North Carolina are traveling to the nation's capital to visit the World War II memorial there. Unfortunately only 5 participants were able to remember where they had been once they arrived back to North Carolina.

This gift-giving season, $25 and under is the place to be. The economy is slowly recovering, yet consumers remain nervous, leading retailers to offer more items for $25 or less, experts say. Or you can just go to the “It’s Only a Dollar” Store and buy me a pack of soap like my Grandpa did for Christmas when I was 9.

Rep. Virginia Foxx of NC warned on the House floor that the country has more to fear from health care reform than from terrorism. So yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus and healthcare for everyone IS scarier than being bombed to death.

As Congress weighs options for cutting some of the $2.2 trillion Americans spend on doctors, surgeries, treatments and drugs, some solutions may be as simple as a phone call. A team of Duke University Medical Center doctors and nurses has found they can help lower patients' blood pressure with a do-it-yourself monitoring plan and phone calls every other month from a nurse. Participants can also choose what type of nurse they would like to speak to: girl-next-door nurse, naughty nurse, or dominatrix nurse.

This just in: John Edwards is unpopular, poll finds. This story brought to you by Captain Obvious.

Bad news ladies, the shaggy November tradition “No Shave November” returns to UNC this month. For the 30-day span, individuals will refuse to shave, trim or maintain their disheveled facial hair. But ladies, there is a quick solution! Just refuse to shave or wax yourself until your man caves.

African-American artist René Dickerson has unveiled his commissioned portrait for the Capitol Hill Club of the late US Senator Jesse Helms, despite the fact that Helms had a reputation for being a racist.In related new, Oakwood Cemetery is reporting that sounds of “rolling” have been heard coming from Jesse Helms’ grave.

Mike James has resigned as the chief of the Stoneville Police Department to become the director of Rockingham County’s new Bureau of Forensic Services. So coming soon to CBS, Rockingham County CSI: Git Er’ Done Edition.

The Danville TEA Party out of Virginia has officially cancelled its bonfire and effigy burning after the event received nationwide interest, according to the group’s chairman, Nigel Coleman. The bonfire originally included burning effigies of Rep. Tom Perriello and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in response to their support of health care legislation. I’m just disappointed I’m not going to be able to make some s’mores to go all with a big, piping-hot cup of crazy!

It was reported that the Lenoir Christmas Parade included a porta potty going down the street and 13 John Deer tractors. The tractors were not official parade participants, just Lenoir residents trying to stay in-line to use the "Magic" porta potty.

A lack of funding for prevention has prompted a rapid rise in North Carolina’s syphilis cases. Rates have nearly doubled in the past year — a 90 percent increase from September 2008 to September 2009. See what happens when nobody has money for entertainment or condoms?

The 10th annual “Night of Miracles” live drive-through Nativity will take place Friday and Saturday at Draper Christian Church in Eden. The News and Record has described it as a “fantastic, true-to-life show — and you don’t even have to leave your car”. Hmm, I remember that story from the Bible, where Joseph and Mary are turned away at the inn, so they deliver baby Jesus in the warmth of their Lexus LZ 10’s super plush and spacious backseat.

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“Is this your wife?”

2009-12-11T11:38:00.000-08:00

“Is this your wife?” -That was the question posed to a friend of mine when we were out and about the other day. He had run into an old acquaintance and she assumed we were married. I stood there like a deer in the headlights waiting for his response. I was secretly afraid he would pull a Pam on The Office and say “Her?! Haha! No no no….” Of course he didn’t do that, and he politely explained who I was. As we walked away he was like “Yeah” and we did a semi-awkward high-five. I put the incident in something I like to call my “Improv Bank” to withdraw for my comedy at a future date.

It’s not the first time I’ve heard questions like that, though. As I get older they become more common. Every time someone asks me about my husband/boyfriend/children, it gets a little harder to say I have none of those things and it makes me want my own little family so much that it hurts at times. Yes, most of the time I’m okay with being single and anymore I feel like I’m away too much to date, but there are moments where my life slows down enough that I realize something is missing. I want a husband and I want children. And I want it sooner rather than later. Not something you bring-up on your first date, but I guess I’m saying for right now, I would like to be in a relationship with someone that could eventually lead to me being able to say, “This is my husband.” And that Tiffany’s diamond engagement ring I’ve always dreamed of shining on my finger…..

Sometimes I feel like I'm Liz Lemon!

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2009-12-10T10:28:00.000-08:00

A Raccoon Named Randy

(Sadly this showdown was more entertaining than Will Smith's Wild Wild West)

In the fall of 2002, I was 19 years old and it was my first year working full-time at Smith Stokes Automotive. This particular day started out normal with beautiful weather and I passed the time by greeting customers and paging salesman with a bright smile on my face. At any moment, it seemed as if a butterfly would come fluttering in and land on my shoulder and I would start singing to little woodland creatures like I was in a Disney movie. Odd workday induced daydream aside, I was unaware of the horror one of these fuzzy little forest creatures could bring upon my fellow co-workers and me...

I remember the moments leading up to the disaster that was about to rain upon us. I peered outside my window and saw a raccoon sitting next to our Viper just sniffing the air and unaware of the customers steering clear of him. My boss informed me to call Animal Control, which I did. I decided to take a couple pictures of the little guy just because he was so gosh-darn cute. It looked as if it was trying to get a job advertising the Viper just like the Laz-Z-Boy Recliner raccoons. By this point everyone was gathered in the showroom or keeping their distance outside away from the front door. It was at this time a man named Josh* appeared to deliver a vehicle. He walked right by the Viper not noticing our furry new spokesanimal. It was when he got within 8 feet of the door that he noticed our surprised faces staring at him through the window. Slowly he turned and looked behind his shoulder, finally noticing the raccoon. We thought he would rush inside, but oh no, he had to stand there and stare at it. Seconds passed by like hours . It was like a bad western with two gun-slingers staring each other down, waiting for the first draw. Suddenly, the little animal took charge! Josh had plenty of time to get inside the showroom, but did not move to the door until that raccoon (who from this point shall be known as Randy) was right upon him. Screams erupted as Josh opened the door and Randy came rushing inside with him. One moment I was standing behind my desk, the next thing I knew I was on top of it screaming. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, can Randy climb my desk? Customers and salesmen were panicking and running in circles, unsure of where to go. One lady was in a salesman's office on top of his desk screaming along with me. But Randy had one goal- Josh's leg . Bravely Josh and a customer fought off Randy until Josh could open the door to kick him out. Unfortunately, Josh was bitten in the heat of battle right before Randy was released outdoors. The panic ended just as fast as it began. I turned around to hop off my desk, thinking about the bullet I had just dodged. One of the salesman was behind me and helped me get down. I thought he was just there to help me down, but he was actually positioning himself to jump on my desk as well.

Animal Control finally arrived and Josh would go to the hospital that night to begin a series of rabies shots in the stomach. The shots ended up being pointless, as Randy had tested negative for rabies. Over 7 years has passed since that faithful day, but the memory of Randy the Raccoon still lingers with me. When you go home tonight, be thankful for things you have. You never know when a woodland creature may attack your workplace.

PS- I named that raccoon Randy, because of his random behavior. Most raccoons are scared of humans and will run away from them. I guess Randy just marched to the beat of his own drummer! I'm still a big fan of raccoons and I enjoy watching them steal cat food from my front porch. I just make sure to stand behind the glass door and not make any threatening moves.

*Name has been changed to protect certain parties so they will not be ridiculed or pantsed in public (sadly I can do nothing to protect this woman)

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